Harry Potty and the Sorcerer's Phone
by Cool70sfreak
Summary: Actually a movie parody. Read if you want to read something funny. If chapter 2 looks funny, it's because this site won't display brackets...CUUUURSE YOUUUUU!
1. Chapter 1

**Harry Potty ,er, Potter**

**And the Sorcerer's Phone ,er, Stone**

"Hello, I'm a man, and I keep the storyline moving." Dumbledore said as he used his magical lighter to light up the street. "Just in case you're wondering, this is a **magical** lighter, but you probably guessed that didn't you? Because this is a spoof of the movie, some important parts may be cut out, so don't be mad at me or the writer. Be mad at the idiots who wrote the movie. Also, you may notice some cut dialogue, but like I said before…you know what I said before."

"I'm a transforming cat!" McGonagall said, transforming into a human.

"I should've known that was you, only you would transform into a stupid cat like that." Dumbledore said.

"Now that's not nice, Albus!" McGonagall said.

"But that's the point, Minerva," Dumbledore said.

A huge motorcycle came descending from the sky.

"AHHHHH! It's the mouse from 'The Mouse and the Motorcycle' who landed into radioactive waste on his motorcycle and became a giant mouse on a giant motorcycle who will kill us all!" McGonagall said running around and panicking.

"No, it's just Hagrid, who landed and got off the motorcycle while you ran around and panicked." Dumbledore said.

"You sent HIM!"

"Don't worry, I told him not to put him in his pocket and squish him, unlike what he will do to the poor boy's 11th birthday cake."

"Hello Professor Dumbledore," Hagrid said, "I brought the boy, and he slept while we were flying over… some place. Oh, by the way, I, uh, accidentally squashed his 11th birthday cake."

"Don't worry Rubeus." Dumbledore said. "It'd go bad in 11 years anyhow so you can get a new one."

"Phew, good." Hagrid said, "But I still…made that one…with my heart and soul…" Hagrid grumbled, starting to cry.

"Oh, don't worry, you can put everything into your n-"McGonagall started.

"No, literally, look." Hagrid said, taking out the cake. A beating heart was on the cake and a screaming transparent thing that looked like Hagrid was on it as well.

"Oh my…BLEARGHHHHH!" McGonagall said, throwing up on the baby.

"…he's gonna be scarred for the rest of his life now," Dumbledore said, "and I had hoped it would just be his aunt and uncle who made him feel abused…"

"Well, bye!" Hagrid said, flying away on Sirius Black's (hinthint: this name will be important… eventually) motorcycle.

"You know…it's funny Albus. This is a parody of the movie, but it still has chapters. Why?'

"Well, let's let our writer, Cool70sfreak, explain that." Dumbledore said, pointing to Cool70sfreak.

"Thank you Albus!" Cool70sfreak exclaimed, "Well, you see, chapters make it more convenient for the reader to… ahem, read. And, more chapters make the parody more appealing to people." Cool70sfreak said, leaving.

"Thank you," Dumbledore said, "Well, I must leave. Farewell." Dumbledore turned the street lights off as he left."

"That was strangely… strange." McGonagall said. "Oops, the note." She put a note in the basket with the baby, then transformed back into the cat with a scary fa-owww! (she just hit me…)…into the amazing cat.

Petunia walked outside in the morning to get the milk and screamed, "SCREEEEAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMM!"

"Why do you yell 'scream', rather than just scream…" Vernon said, half asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

A little note ahead of time…anything in parenthesis like this (…) is a side clip of something else, like you might see in Family Guy

Harry Potter woke up at 7:30 A.M. on a Saturday Morning, like any other in the Dursley house. Then he suddenly started singing, "The hills are alive, with the sound of-"

He was interrupted by a thrown boot hitting his face.

"Boot to the head!" Shouted Dudley.

"Shut up with that singing!" his Uncle Vernon yelled, "And get dressed! ...ugh, those pajamas are awful…It's Dudley's birthday today!"

"…fat tub of Jell-O…" Harry muttered.

"What?!" Vernon yelled.

"I said I'd really like a fat tub of Jell-O right now," Harry replied, "Why?"

"Oh, uh no reason…and that's too bad, you're not getting any! Now shut up and eat your tapioca." Vernon shouted, closing the door to the cupboard under the stairs, which just so happened to be Harry's room.

Sighing, Harry said, "When will I be free to sing?" Then he started into a song, singing, "Tomorrow, tomorrow, I-"

He was again interrupted by the second boot, which broke through the door.

"Boot to the head, Mister Potter!" Dobby shouted.

"confused…who the hell are you? /confused" Harry asked.

"Oops, wrong movie. Dobby is sorry, Mister Potter." Dobby said, starting to hit himself on the head. "Bad Dobby, bad Dobby!"

"Get out of here!" Harry shouted.

Dobby ran out.

Harry sighed, then noticed the second boot and said, "Ooh, hey, both boots! Now I have shoes to wear today!"

"Give me back my boots!" said a voice from upstairs.

Harry sighed again, then tossed the boots through the door and got ready for today. Of course, it was Dudley's birthday today. He was dreading it. He'd probably invite all of his stupid friends…Jack, James, David Beckham… (soccer was not Harry's favorite sport)…today would be just wonderful…

Harry got up to a wonderful breakfast of Spam and eggs…well, actually, one piece of spam and one egg…whereas his cousin, Dudley, got ten of each. Yet, Dudley was fat enough as is…he still gobbled down all of it in one minute.

Harry groaned as he ate his piece of Spam…then he spat it out. It wasn't even Spam! It was spam…no, not Spam, spam! Sigh It was a piece of paper with spam on it, okay? Oh, what did it say? It just said "spam" repeatedly. It was one of Uncle Vernon's stupid e-mails that he had accidentally printed off, so he put it on Harry's plate as an excuse for breakfast.

"Ha, you ate paper, moron!" Dudley laughed.

"And you're a fat pig," Harry replied, "I'd rather starve than be you."

"Well…you have…bad hair!" Dudley shouted.

Aunt Petunia eyed Harry as he sighed.

"Oh, I can't believe you said that," Harry said monotonically, pretending to cry as he walked back to his room in the cupboard.

"Get out of there and finish your breakfast!" Aunt Petunia shouted. "Stop moping!"

Harry sighed once more and sat down at the breakfast table.

"Is Doctor Who on tonight, Petunia?" Uncle Vernon said, sitting down at the table to eat his breakfast.

Petunia nodded, replying, "The new season is starting tonight."

"Wow, you actually watch good TV." Harry said.

"And what's wrong with the news?" Petunia asked sternly.

Harry rolled his eyes, "I mean…"

"Oh, reality television," Petunia shrugged, "Not much else to watch. It's better than British game shows."

("So, Mister Macpherson, shall you take a spin of the wheel?" the host asked.

"Hmm…" the contestant said, thinking.

"We'll find out after this," The host said, going to a commercial break.

--After the break…--

"Well…?" The host asked.

"…Okay, I'll spin!" The contestant decided, excited.

"Yes you will…next time!" the host finished. "So long, everyone.")

"Well, shall we go to the zoo?" Vernon said after everyone had finished. "That…" he struggled, "…includes you…Harry."

"Really?" Harry asked, astonished.

"The cat lady across the street is busy cleaning up today," Uncle Vernon grumbled, "One of her cats literally had the crap scared out of it when it came across an American show on the television the other day…"

"Oh, yeah, I forgot, she taught one of them to watch TV...why would you spend your time doing that though?" Aunt Petunia asked.

"Because, she's a cat lady, she loves cats!" Uncle Vernon replied, "Anyways, it was something called Barney, or something like that, with a strange purple dinosaur thing…anyways, we couldn't find anyone to watch you…just make sure there's NO FUNNY BUSINESS NOW!"

"Aww…" Harry said, going back to his room to put up his clown suit.


End file.
